Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
