More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
