I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
