hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
