from now on my penis is your penis
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
