So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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