Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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