these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I could make wine with my vomit
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
