Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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