Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
