Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
