I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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