the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
