there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
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