everyone is single if you try hard enough
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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