She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
