I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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