I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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