i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize