She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
