She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
