well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
