It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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