New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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