Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize