Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
