God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
