Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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