My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
