I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
