maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
