I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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