I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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