Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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