I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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