ya dads aren't the best wingmen
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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