Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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