i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
