I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
