At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
