I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
