You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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