It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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