Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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