Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize