I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
COCAINE IS GR8
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
