there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize