Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
