TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
