I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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