I just pynch a tree in the face
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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