There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
