i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
