Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
