we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I can't turn off my feet"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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