dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
