I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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