Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
