plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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