Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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