I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
