I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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