Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
