the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize