Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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