I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
