you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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