He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
