do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
