she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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